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| So with gas prices and grocery prices going up like mad, the Lord brought to mind the Old Testament passage on the widow of Zarephath (1 Kings 17:7-24) and how God increased her flour and oil (groceries and gas today, according to my thoughts). So I started praying daily that God would increase my flour and oil. And he really has been faithful. I find my car going an extra 50 miles on one tank than it used to and my gas gauge going down slower. So, I decided I should really look up the passage and reread it.
In it, Elijah came to this gentile city amidst a drought to a woman about to use the last of her provisions to make one last meal for herself and her son before they died. He asks her to first give him some, and she, in either her faithfulness or compassion or both, does so. And so God blesses her and increases her flour and oil to last throughout the drought.
In this, I felt the Lord calling me to respond to his faithfulness and to bless someone else. I didn't know how and felt afraid and apprehensive (especially since I usually get gas at night). So I didn't do it the last time I filled up, but it's been on my heart ever since. Last night at Frontline, I remember a part where Kyle said something about going back to the last thing God asked us to do and just doing it. So when I stopped in for gas tonight, I just went ahead and walked into the gas station. At first it didn't seem like it would work out, but it did. And God provided the recipients and the blessing, and, though I was trembling the whole time, I knew that I had heard him. He's been teaching me a lot about grace lately, and I know that this was another experiment in that grace and responding to his faithfulness. | | |
| Hello friends,
I just had a major breakthrough! I have been struggling all week with the trust issues that Mitch and I have been discussing. Mitch told me that I needed to come to a place where I'm ok with not knowing all the answers and understanding things, where I can sacrifice my need to understand on an alter to God. We talked about revisiting my memories this week to try to see God in those memories. I've been avoiding it all week, just because it's painful. So tonight at Frontline we talked about dealing with those issues that are in the way of our intimacy with God, and I felt like I was ready to do whatever it takes to move on and past things, because I need to find my passion for God. But I still didn't know how. So I went home, and I put away my computer and tv and got my journal and started to journal. I wrote out all that I remembered from the day my mom passed away, and I was just weeping and weeping. I felt so alone, and it was so hard. I couldn't understand why, after 12 years, I still cry so hard and uncontrollably just to think about it. When I finished, I sat back and waited for God. Nothing. Then there was a detail about the memory I couldn't exactly remember, and I knew Esther had written about it in her entry in my mom's memorial book. And I remembered that I had randomly decided to pack my mom's memorial book when I moved to Nashville. So I ran to get it, and I started to read through it. I realized that I could understand just enough Chinese to basically understand the pieces my grandparents and aunt and uncles had written, and those were encouraging to me, just discovering who my mom was as a child and how she changed. So I was being encouraged and feeling like I didn't really know my mom, seeing so much more fullness in her life than I knew from my daughter point of view for the 12 years that I had with her. I felt like I was seeing her life and the past through new eyes.
Before I tell you the rest, I have to go back to earlier this week. In my avoidance of things, I had been watching a lot of this Chinese tv show online and had felt stunned when, out of nowhere and having not too much to do with the rest of the show or any sort of faith that they had, the guy says to the girl, "Do you listen to God speak? Sometimes things don't turn out the way that we expect them to turn out. When that happens and our hopes and dreams come crashing down, no matter what, God will always love you." I laughed when I heard that from the tv show, because it was so unexpected and ridiculous coming from that source and totally for me! So I wrote it in my journal. Ok, back to the story. So I was going through my mom's memorial book, and there was this entry that my mom had written of her testimony one time that she had been feeling frustrated with asking God why and him not answering and keeping his promises. Here is what it says:
"In anger and despair I cut myself off from the fellowship with God. I spent my time watching Chinese television soap opera to distract my attention from both physical and emotional pains. It also demonstrated my loss of self-worth because I considered myself being utilized and then deserted by the Lord. Satan had succeeded in undermining my doubt of God's love in my mind. Then one day, the Lord spoke to me through the dialogue and the story of the television series I was watching...That brought me to tears--tears of gratefulness with feeling of belonging and of unconditional love!"
I laughed so hard when I read that! I knew it was for me! I knew it! I knew that God was the only one who knew me that well, who knew what I needed, who knew even how desperately I needed to have even that connection with my mom, to be able to see my mom in me, to be able to find God's voice and his faithfulness. In reading about my mom's struggles that mirror my own, I find faith and trust in God and encouragement. And I think that I have finally found my way to breakthrough! I feel like this huge burden that I've been lugging around with me for so many years is lifted. All this time, I had this book, but it wasn't until now that I had the eyes to see. How incredibly ridiculously crazy is that?!
Paper walls. Pastor Dale was talking about it in church that Sunday, that there are walls that seem impenetrable that separate us from finding breakthrough and finding our way to God. But in the end, we only need be faithful to really face them and attack, and we will discover they are only paper walls, that we are so close to breakthrough.
Finally resting in the peace of God,
Jessica
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| So it took us basically two days to drive to Nashville. When we arrived, we were kinda surprised that it only took two days to drive across the country! I have a lot of space for just me, which is nice. It's a little old, but it's not too bad. The water in Tennessee smells a little strange, so sometimes it smells weird. I need to get more air fresheners.
Things have been a little rough setting everything up. My cable and tv were kinda messed up at first. My bank stuff got a little messed up because of administrative errors. Stuff like that, but I think things are ok now. I got my title and registration changed and surrendered my AZ driver's license to get one for TN. I also registered to vote and got those discount cards for the grocery store. Oh, and I found the Nashville version of Lee Lee's too!
I start work tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM. My boss e-mailed me to tell me not to bring my lunch. He said we're going out to celebrate my first day. They've all been really nice. My dad, Esther, David, and I went in to see the office on Tuesday morning, and Kyle (my boss) showed us around. It looks really nice. My cubicle is rather large, and the whole office looks really pretty. The walls are painted nice colors like the fall leaves, like green and rust red and a darker yellow.
I hope lots of people come to visit me often. The hardest thing is being all alone. I think the reason it's so scary to be completely independent and on my own is that nobody is close by to run to for comfort when things go wrong or when I feel afraid. For example, it's hard to avoid bugs here in Tennessee because of the trees, and I really hate creepy crawly things. When I was at home and had bugs when my dad was in Turkey, I just called David, and he came to save me!  But all in all, things are ok, and it's beautiful here.
Esther and I went to The Hermitage, Andrew Jackson's estate. I live so close to him, not that he's alive anymore. Haha! We got to do a self tour of the grounds and his house and also pick cotton in his fields. We also found the big lake near my apartment, which is surrounded by a forest. The trees here are just starting to turn colors, so it's really pretty outside. | | |
| Thanks to all of you for your notes of congratulations! To answer some questions, I am going to be doing entrylevel work for editorial in backlist. So it's not the part of editing that most people know about. Backlist is the life blood of publishing. It's the books that are older and still sell. So what my department will be doing is reprints and new products from old, anything having to do with books that Thomas Nelson produces that have already been published before. So like the journal versions of Christian living books or the reprint of fiction books with new covers to coincide with a movie release...stuff like that!
So my dad and I are flying out to Nashville tomorrow to look for apartments. I really hope we can pin one down and sign, so that I will have a place to move to when we go out there the final time. It's all happening so fast, and there is so much that I have to do and remember to do. I'm sorta stressed out about it all and trying to figure out my finances, since publishing pays next to nothing. I think mostly I'm just so scared of everything, of moving so far away where I don't know anyone and have no built-in safety net and support system where I can call people to come rescue me. It's my dream, but it's awfully frightening to grow up. | | |
| I got a call from Kyle Olund at Thomas Nelson Publishers this Wednesday offering me the job of editorial assistant for the backlist development department, and poof! I have my first job, my dream job, and I'm moving to Nashville, Tennessee within the month! How crazy is that?! | | |
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